September 06, 2019

Our Feature Friday today is Toni. Her story is heartbreaking, but her strength is inspiring. Check out her page for more amazing posts and to get to know her better!♥️⁣

Hi my name is Toni Register. My husband Tommy and I have been married for 5 years this week. We are both originally from California and recently moved to Washington state. I work as a dental assistant and Tommy just got hired with PA fire department. We’ve had an interesting go at starting our family. In 2016 we suffered a tubal pregnancy and took a break from trying for awhile. ⁣
We found out we were pregnant with Ren in September of 2018 a day we’ve dreamed of. At 17 weeks we found out our baby boy would be born with Down syndrome. To be honest at first I was devastated thinking of the the struggles he might endure. But soon after we met so many wonderful mamas and people that gave us the greatest hope. We did a lot of homework and quickly became very ecstatic to bring such a special spirit into the world. We loved Ren even more than ever and couldn’t wait to show him off. His shower was a sight to see with the most amazing heart felt gifts and so many hand made treasures, you could truly see the love that was poured into them. Our nursery was definitely complete. Due to Ren having DS we were tested and checked often. On April 4th, 2019 we were having a routine stress test that I had twice a week and that’s where we found that Ren’s heart had stopped. The words no mother should ever have to hear, “I’m sorry there’s no heart beat”. Our entire world was shattered. I was induced immediately and our beautiful baby boy was born at 35 weeks gustation at 3:45pm on April 5th. He was perfect in every way. He had blonde curly hair and the cutest button for a nose. It’s hard to even put into words, it’s the truest devastation I’ve ever felt. We were able to keep him for the night but had to hand him off to a complete stranger the next day. He had a beautiful service where my husband gave the most amazing talk about God’s plan for us and trusting in him. We miss Ren every day. ⁣

First and foremost you are loved and you are not alone. You will make it even when you can’t see through even your darkest days. Something that literally changed my grief journey was reaching out to other mamas through social media that understood. I’ve found so many close friends this way and they get exactly how I feel and every emotion. If you haven’t reached out yet please do. Don’t take people that distance themselves personally. It’s not that they don’t care they just don’t know how to. Grief and happiness can coexist. It’s okay to feel fine one day and be a complete mess the next. Your feelings are 100% valid and no one gets to tell you where you should be in the grieving process. Give yourself grace and don’t be afraid to share your story you never know who it could help but more importantly it will help you heal. Speak their name and trust you are right where you’re supposed to be.


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